Crazy Dayz

It's days like today when I question my sanity.  I mean, why have I stopped doing the one thing that seemed to get me through everything?  Sure, it wasn't the healthiest thing in the world, but it helped with the emotional pain.  It's bad.  I feel like I'm tumbling out of control.  And yet, I'm sitting here in my Data Structures lab, trying hard to look normal, to be like everything is fine, to fit in...and all I want to do is cry hysterically.  And to top it all off, today in my Aquinas class, we talked about what it means to have morally good actions.  Is anything I do morally good?  I feel like I'm just completely self-centered and demanding.  Can't I just go to bed and never wake up?  Are things really this bad?  Does life ever get any easier?  Help!!!  I know it's a night that I should call my therapist, but I can't bring myself to do so.  Why is this so hard?  Why can't I reach out for help?  Actually, this afternoon was good...until the anxiety attack kicked in.  I took my medication, but it hasn't helped yet, and it's been 2.5 hours.  I just need some human contact right now.