Crazy Dayz

It's days like today when I question my sanity.  I mean, why have I stopped doing the one thing that seemed to get me through everything?  Sure, it wasn't the healthiest thing in the world, but it helped with the emotional pain.  It's bad.  I feel like I'm tumbling out of control.  And yet, I'm sitting here in my Data Structures lab, trying hard to look normal, to be like everything is fine, to fit in...and all I want to do is cry hysterically.  And to top it all off, today in my Aquinas class, we talked about what it means to have morally good actions.  Is anything I do morally good?  I feel like I'm just completely self-centered and demanding.  Can't I just go to bed and never wake up?  Are things really this bad?  Does life ever get any easier?  Help!!!  I know it's a night that I should call my therapist, but I can't bring myself to do so.  Why is this so hard?  Why can't I reach out for help?  Actually, this afternoon was good...until the anxiety attack kicked in.  I took my medication, but it hasn't helped yet, and it's been 2.5 hours.  I just need some human contact right now.

A Couple Days of Ups and Downs

So, fall break has come and gone.  And frankly, things are about where I left them...undecided and in pain.  Though they weren't always like that.  Some days were better than others, but most of them were not good.  I hate that.  I don't want to have not good days.  Especially now in my life, when I should be out there having the time of my life.  Monday I saw Bob and Dr. Mannheimer.  They did nothing to alleviate my pain and depression.  They didn't change any meds in any way shape or form, they suggested more ECT, and then they told me that it would be ok if I came home again.  I don't want to do that.  I want to get better, I don't want to have to rely on everyone else like I always seem to have to do.  I ended up crying during that appointment, but I don't think they even managed to notice that.  Monday night I had my sleep study.  Learned a lot about why I wasn't sleeping well.  I kept trying to wake myself up and I never even got to REM sleep.  Tuesday, I saw Dr. Furlong.  She gave me a little bit of hope, but still, it wasn't much.  She did add back into the mix the Lamictal as a mood stabilizer to help with the depression, but I'm not sure if it will do anything.  God, I hope it does.  She also told me that if I need to come home again, then I need to come home, but that she thinks that I can make it.  I wanted to break down and cry right there, but I didn't.  She also said that she would help me get my CPAP adjusted before I went back to school, so at least that was a plus.  Wednesday, oh gosh, how things can go from bad to worse.  Wednesday I had my Botox injections for my migraines from Dr. Bennett.  They were like having 31 bee stings in 5 minutes.  Then, almost immediately after having the injections (we're talking like 2 minutes here), my headache went from VERY bad to EXPLODING!!!!  Dr. Bennet was thinking that that might be because he hit the right places and that they were just irritated from being pricked with the needle, but it's now Sunday and my headache is still EXPLODING!!!!  Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, I got a rejection letter on Wednesday night from ND Vision.  Enough said.  I cried myself to sleep Wednesday night.  Thursday was just as bad with my migraine and I ended up laying on the couch with an ice pack on my head and falling asleep that way.  It was the only peaceful moment of fall break that I can really say I had.  Through it all, I managed to complete 2 Data Structures assignments and a paper for my Aquinas class.  My parents are still mad at me because I didn't do enough over break.  I'm sorry that I couldn't fit in every last bit of homework with my debilitating migraine.  Friday, I took the bus back to school.  Long ride.  Not much else to say there.  Friday night I got to see Alex!!!!!  That was a plus!  One that I had been counting down the weeks, days, and minutes for!  Saturday exploded in my face again, though.  I got up and showered and was productive and then my migraine just hit me like a ton of bricks.  All I managed to do the second half of the day was attempt to do more homework and lay on the futon with an ice pack on my head.  I missed going to the game...although we lost, so maybe I didn't miss out on all that much.  Today, I got up and did NOT feel well.  I was running a low grade fever, my migraine was still out of control, and I felt like I was going to get sick.  However, I managed to tough it out and get 3 hours of homework done before Alex came over for 3.5 hours.  Then I somehow managed to eat something (which didn't help the sick feeling) and came to work.  I actually had someone come in tonight and everything went almost well, until it didn't.  Oh well, I tried, right?  I did my best.  That is why Kathy is so awesome.  She knows that I tried and did my best and that it's fixable, somehow.  Well, I'm off to do more homework and then, maybe, just maybe, get some sleep.  Write more tomorrow.
Peace,
~Heather~